Day 78, Nathaly: Indulgence 3, Free Clothes, Commitments

Hi folks,

More than Ramiro does, I really count on indulgences. So, before he read the email describing our 3rd and final indulgence, I knew it was coming and had decided I was gonna be the bigger person and declare that I didn't deserved it (given my recent slacking from the 350 Global Work Party stuff).  Surprisingly, Ramiro was also considering not taking an indulgence, that is until I read the email from Patrick and realized this was a full blowout meal and convinced him and myself against our prior thoughts.  So I figured -- fuck it!  Bring on the cheese & chocolate!! (which I've been missing big-time) and it didn't help that it was raining out, the fridge was empty of all protein sources and junk is never more than a phone call away soooo...

We ordered a pizza! There are no pictures of it b/c the snarfage was all-encompassing. I made the phone call around 8pm (after much debate weighing going to the store or ordering out while figuring out how to acquire a post-indulgence/PCP-compliant protein source for the following day's lunch) and we quickly noticed that the time of day would make working out after dinner ridiculous, so we got to banging out the workout only to be rudely interrupted by an early pizza delivery kid making it so that the pie sat there on the coffee table smelling of absolute deliciousness all through those fucking planks. URGH.

And here's the verdict:  honestly, not that great..  Certainly not amazing enough to be worth HALF of my daily caloric intake.  I mean, WTF?!  Don't get me wrong, it was lovely and made by a locally-owned company that uses VT flour to make organic whole wheat crust with yummy sauce and a good balance of toppings to cheese. Frankly, it was a pretty good pizza, but somehow.. it didn't do it for me.  It felt almost like an indulgence wasted because I had made it out to be so much more than it was. After the meal, I shared the thought with Ramiro and he thinks it's a matter of associating pizza with the greater satisfaction that comes with the pizza ordering phenomenon -- that quick burst of joy that comes from the ease of getting a warm, cheesy meal delivered right to your doorstep and then pushing the couches together for the ultimate in non-bedroom comfort and then cuddling up next to the hubster to watch a fun movie on the tube on a rainy weekend evening with little Tigger curled up at our feet. aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

Dude, was he right!!  I was COUNTING on that pizza to be all those things for me when, in fact, all it is is..  well, only a pizza. lol  Hence, my issue with emotional eating and why Indulgence 3 was once again a lesson in my struggle to treat food like what it should be: nourishment!

OK -- that took a little longer to write than I was hoping, so on to item 2 of the title! Free clothes!! Here in crunchy/green VT there is a lovely thing called the Front Porch Forum -- it is truly made of awesome.  It's a free neighborhood-based daily email ranging from offers for canning jars to reports of missing pets and debates on downtown-sidewalk-sitting. Oops -- sidetracking again. Anyways there was a free clothes event called "Attire for Hire" (which I learned about on the Front Porch Forum) hosted by an organization whose mission it is to help people get ready for the professional world.  I scored a bunch of stuff! A couple pant suits, lots of button-down blouses & professional jackets, some skirts and even a leather jacket.  I mean seriously -- two boxes of clothes for FREE!!  OK -- i'm still reeling in joy, but that is also beside the point. lol.  Here's what I want to talk to y'all about: I've been having some issues with my current PCP status (á la recent posts by Kim).  I'm closer to where I want to be, but I'm still not really feeling great about my body image and the act of trying on a bunch of clothes in front of a mirror really brought that home for me. As it turns out, I'm only really a fan of the today-me that exists in the mirror for about a half-second at a time (while taking a top off over my head).  At that moment, when my arms are reaching up and stretching my tummy fat across a temporarily longer torso, I feel a little sexy.  So, here's the disappointing part: I started this program b/c I wanted to a) lose weight, b) deal with my stress eating (see above) and c) develop some life-long-fitness habits.  And yet, what keeps me going is the way I look in the mirror??  I mean, I'm really not a vain person, but how superficial is that?!

Which brings me to the commitments aspect of this post.  I decided yesterday that it would be a waste of my time and energy up to this point to NOT keep going with the program until I got to the point I want to be at.  And that point isn't some pie-in-the-sky super model ideal (my goal person is Ugly Betty, for heaven's sake!).  So then I stopped to think about what the ultimate me-look really is and realized that my actual goal person is me at 17, except with my current boob size & my adult woman fuller hips. And to take it a step further, it was me that summer in that two-piece halter top..  Wow -- do I sound sad to you? Cuz I'm depressing myself with my cliché-ness.

Anyways, there it is.  It's not a great reason to want to continue the PCP, but as long as it keeps me on this good thing, I'm going with it and will have to deal with the psychology of all this at some later time.  lol

Thanks again for listening!

heart hugs,

Nathaly